#buck and bucky happen in every universe and you can't tell me I'm wrong

[valstarsandgalaxies]

Guardian angel

John feels useless. And lonely. He just fucks up everything that comes to his hands. And as much as he wished this (for the first time ever) would be an exception, he was wrong once again.

He looks as Gale is walking away from him and he's most likely to never come back. To never come near him again. And John's not surprised, because as much as he might have hoped that his relationship with Gale will be different, he knew that it won't be, from the very start.

It's like this thing when you do something and you knew it'd hurt you even before actually doing it. It's like going back to your toxic partner or friend and putting yourself through that pain, just because you think this time might be different. But it never is. And after some time you just become used to it. Even worse, you become fond of the pain. You look for it now.

John's not stupid. He might look like he is, but he knows things that are useful in life (that's what he tells himself). He saw it all coming and he didn't stop it, because this is just who he is. A destructive, unlovable man, who hurts other people, because he likes hurting himself.

He hates himself for dragging Gale into his shit. Into this. Whatever it was.

And he gets that he can be too much sometimes. Like that one time when he got fucking wasted and suddenly all his secrets, his feelings, his affection for Gale spilled from him like it was never locked in the first place.

"But- but i love you, Gale. You see, when i first saw you i thought that i was just imagining you. Never saw more beautiful human being ever. Okay, it's a bit weird to say that since I've hardly been anywhere, but i mean it. You're like an angel."

"An angel? Are you serious, Bucky?"

Gale answered in awe of the things that are spilling from John's mouth. Also a bit confused like he doesn't really believe them.

"Yeah. Like- like a guardian angel. You're my guardian angel, Gale."

"Oh, shut up, John. You don't mean any of this."

Gale huffed as he was holding John by his waist and John's hand was slumped around his shoulder. They're trying to go back to the barracks, to finally lay in bed and go to sleep. John is making that very difficult right now. Because he has no balance and talks distracting bullshit.

"I mean every word, Gale. I actually think-"

He burped.

"Sorry."

John said with a sly and innocent smile.

"It's fine."

Gale whispered. And John can't remember if he imagined it or if it was real, but he saw a small smile on Gale's lips as well.

"I think i love yo-"

But Gale didn't let him finish it.

"Don't say things like this, John. You're drunk, nothing you say matters, because it's not you. And i doubt you'd ever say any of this, if you were sober. So just shut the fuck up and let's go to sleep."

They finally made it back to base and Gale gently, but silently put him on his bed.

In the morning, when John tried to bring it up, Gale stopped him and said that it's fine and he understands it was just a drunken talk yesterday.

John didn't have the courage to correct him just then. But he knew he'll slip again. He knew, that it'll happen again and so he lets it be and tells himself that they'll deal with it some other time.

He remembers that time, when Gale told him he feels something for him and it was so overwhelming for him that he went into that pub and fucked the hell out of the first girl that came near him.

He sees the expression on Gale's face, when he finds out. He thinks he'll never forget it. And John doesn't understand himself either to be honest, but he does what he does without thinking. He's an impulsive person and he can hardly act against it.

"Why would you do that, John? I thought you feel the same way. You told me like ten times."

He has hurt Gale and he feels bad, but he knows he'll continue to do so. He knows that this is definitely not the last time.

And so he says some reassuring things, sweet nothings and all he can find in him. Because he means them, he really does. But he is who he is after all.

And so he kisses him hard. Sucks his neck (a bit more carefully after Gale told him that he can't have a hickey on a visible spot). Squeezes his hips and guides his clothed cock closer to his. They find some place to fuck and John makes Gale moan and he loves it. And Gale makes John moan and sigh and he loves it too.

And they forget. They both forget and they continue whatever the fuck is going on between them.

But those are all memories now. All the sweet words and sweet spots just a history. Something that John thinks Gale will refuse that ever happened. He had this mindset that if he ignores or doesn't acknowledge something for long enough, it'll disappear and it'll be like nothing like that happened. Gale told him about it a few times, when they were talking about their families and he opened up about his dad. He said it never worked, but he uses it anyway. John is quite sure he'll try to use this for this as well. And he doesn't blame him. Whatever that will help him to move on.

For John, it'd probably be quite similar. In a different way. He'll never try to forget or delete Gale from his mind, but he'll only focus on the good. He'll try to ignore all the bad stuff, so Gale stays with him even though he's not physically there anymore.

He stores every person like this. Every person that he cares about and fucked up things with. It's quite a long list already, but Gale is probably John's favourite. He was from the start.

At one point, it really felt like this was different. Like he might be the love of his love, his soulmate. But he forgot himself. He forgot that he's John Egan and that this is simply not meant for him.

So now he'll have to be lonely for a while. Sulking and drowning in his sadness and what if scenarios. He'll let his mind destroy him slowly more and more until a new person arrives. Until someone will want to be friends with him again. Until someone will want to fuck him. Until someone will want to create a bond with him again.

Because there will always be someone else. Because he's John Egan. And even though he had never moved on from Gale. From his blonde locks, calm and kind personality and sweetest voice. There were others. So much of others. And he tried to forget.

But it's hard to try to escape from your guardian angel.

Did i just pour out my feelings into the character i relate to and make them feel the same things as me? Oh, that wouldn't be me ;) Anyway this one is a little deeper, I'm not feeling very well mentally, so I'm trying some things and venting through fic might be one of them. I just hope you'll enjoy this a little! Thank you so much, if you've read the whole fic!! I love you lots<3

( @alienoresimagines wanted to read something, so here i am offering my little fic to you. Hope it's okay. )